She didn't notice the sand shifting beneath her feet, pulling her deeper with it....neither the tinge of red on her palms where her nails were digging in.She just stood there transfixed, her slender frame wooden, her eyes unseeing, for what she was seeing didn't need eyes......
Everything around her was in turmoil, the sky glistening an angry red indicating a fast approaching storm that the Met department had warned about earlier that week, the beach palms' silhouettes seemed to be dancing a Kiowa war dance and all around her the wind was ululating.However she might as well have been sitting in her living room, for she saw none of that.
Memories, so many of them. She could see them so clearly, everything that made up the twenty odd years of her life.Family and friends, love and laughter, the tears and the scars, the hurt and the heart.....Everyone always told her that she had a good memory, that its a special gift....and she had believed them...or maybe that's what she had wanted to believe. But standing there now, in that chilly cold with her auburn tresses blowing against her face, she knew in her heart then that it is the albatross around her neck.
She remembered all the sunny weekends she had spent at the very same spot in her childhood, her parents, her brother and sometimes her cousins. How she used to used to love building sand castles, like the ones she saw in her picture books that her mother used to buy her on her birthdays. Her kid brother used to help her, bringing in pails of water from the sea. She closed her eyes for a second, it was as if she could still smell the aroma of barbecued vegetables that her father used to cook them on the beach....his pride and joy.
She knew she shouldn't complain. She had had a very colorful childhood, though they were never rich. But then to a six year old, a warm finger to latch on to, a mother's hug, a balloon, a teddy, and maybe an ice cream were everything that mattered.
But then as the years passed by, her naive dreams faced with bitter realities slowly gave way. Not that she had ever truly complained, she just kept on going. In all honesty, so much was going on that she didn't have the time to think. And then, one day she was expected to support her mum and brother............. She smiled a dry smile suddenly. Yes, after that her life's story was something like that of a potboiler movie for the masses. Hospital, bills, part time jobs, bad grades, bad hours....these were the words that summed it up nicely. Her world which had seemed so rosy in her childhood turned various shades of gray. There was no longer the comfort of a hand to hold on to, and so she steeled herself....promised never to show anyone how it hurt.Slowly but steadily, without even her knowing it, all her castles and fairies were but a thing of a long forgotten past, things she had willed herself to forget. And then He came.
Theirs didn't have a fairytale beginning at all. It was in fact quite an unremarkable first meeting by the roadside near her home. She didn't even clearly remember how the conversation all began. But slowly He became a part of her life. She had always believed that it was the small things that mattered, that the big things always took care of themselves. And it was true in their case. It was all the small things that had bonded them. The millions of similarities and the quirky differences. Even he had been dealt a bad hand by life, but she was amazed to find out that he was also the most optimistic and satisfied man she had ever seen. He was never bitter about anything for long. She remembered how at the end of each grueling day he would patiently hear her out, how he would tell about his day with such an air, as if all the hardships were actually funny at that time somehow and they would always end up laughing, crinkles forming at the corner of his eyes when he smiled.He was the one who made her go to college,apply for evening classes. Rekindled her long forgotten dreams.And then, just when she was able to stand up for herself again. It happened.That was three days ago. She couldn't think of it any longer. The how, what, when, and mostly the whys....that had been going on in her head had stopped making any sense a long time back. Nothing mattered anymore. Nothing. She just didn't have the strength anymore.
She took a step forward in the water, her shallow breaths almost inaudible in the storm. A sudden wayward gust made her hair fall over her eyes. As she lifted her hand, it caught the fine necklace around her neck. Unthinkingly she held the pendant in her palm, and closed her eyes. It all came flooding back.
An evening, the sun had almost set in the horizon, leaving behind just a hue of red in the inky
sky.Both of them were alone near the old dockyard. He was holding her hand, and after a soft kiss, put something in her palm. She opened her eyes to see the box with the pendant inside flickering in the old fashioned lantern's golden glow, it was a heart inscribed inside a fine circle.When she asked about the design, he had said, " If we hadn't faced so much, we wouldn't have met now, would we! That day by the roadside would never have happened. For us to find each other, life had to come back a full circle. I knew it. I just knew, that a day would come when I wouldn't need a reason to be angry with God anymore....and you are that reason for me" and he had smiled.She suddenly gasped aloud, jolting back to reality. No she couldn't do this. How could she? How could she die for someone who loved life so much? Loved her so much? How could she be so selfish? She remembered a line she had read in some book. "What if your dreams and fears existed in the same place? What if to get to heaven, you had to brave hell? What if everything you've ever wanted cost you everything you've ever achieved? Would you still go there?"
She asked herself those same questions, standing there. And slowly , as time passed by she sunk to her knees,with the waves lashing in around her. Tears pouring from her eyes, one hand clutching the pendant,she just sat there without noticing anything. Then slowly, after an eternity, she murmured to herself, "Yes I would. For u."
And then when she finally opened her eyes, the storm had abated
and it was twilight.
